|I love my new dress!|
The lighting isnt great in here but I think my makeup looks fairly ok, its definitely better than I could manage before though. The blush I use is still too bright and obvious, I need to get a more muted colour I think. I also need to look more into what colours to use for my eyes, lips and so on to make sure it all works properly. I could ask my partner but she admits she is useless with makeup so its probably best to look into it myself.
I still need to work on my eyebrows although im not sure what approach to take. If I go and pay a pro to do it the change might be too sudden and people may notice. On the other hand if I dare to do it myself I may just mess them up. Decisions decisions.....
I made a mental note of what I was thinking while dressing up today because a few times recently ive gone to get dressed up but after getting my clothes on and looking in the mirror I would realise the uphill struggle it would take to get there and then get depressed, take my clothes off and then sulk.
So I was happy with my shaving job in the bathroom mirror, put my clothes on, sat down to do my makeup and then I was faced with myself again. The makeup mirror seems to pick up all the flaws my bathroom mirror does not. Every single missed hair, or patches of hair that arent quite cut to the skin, every single spot, blemish and vein. It made me feel dissapointed. Dissapointed that this is me, dissapointed that this is what I have to fight against every time I do this, and dissapointed because I realise that as time goes on it is only going to get worse.
So I fought through it, spent ages on my makeup and apart from a few errors I thought it looked ok if a little caked on. My partner said I looked really nice but im still not sure if she is actually being genuine or is just encouraging me. I hadnt actually given any thought to how I felt seeing the finished article which I guess is a good sign but as the night went on I started feeling a little down.
I asked my partner to take some photos of me because she did offer a little while ago. Im not really a natural model and she isnt the best photographer (shes rubbish and admits it!) so out of a whole batch of photos there is only a handful of useable ones. Thing is, I scratched off the majority of them because I just didnt like how I looked. My male self was too prominent or obvious in them, mainly in the face and that bugged me. I keep thinking about my body image and comparing it against the female ideal and I lose out every time. I dont want a masculine body or face for that matter. So after the photos my mood at dropped obviously and my partner was asking if I was ok again.
I dont have the time tonight but at some point I want to make a post about what im not happy about, what is fixed and what is changeable, what I can do to change it, and so on.