On one of the TG forums I frequent someone has posted a really heartwarming story of her coming out very recently. She only registered on the forum a month ago and in this time she gone from being 'shy and fearful of the future', and has built up the confidence to tell her GP last week and also tell her family. I think this is amazing and I really wish her all the best.
While it is an amazing story and im really happy for her it also makes me feel a little sad. Everytime I see a picture of someone who has transitioned and they are smiling and happy im really happy for them but it breaks my heart a little too. I cant picture myself ever reaching a place where I truly accept and am happy with who I am. Ive never felt trapped in the wrong body, never felt uncomfortable in my
own skin, but ive never really been happy with myself either. I just feel like im in no-mans land with no acceptable end result. This does not mean that transition is the right answer for me, there is a complicated cocktail of insecurities and esteem issues that is going on in my head right now and I am conscious of ensuring that I seperate these from my gender issues before starting to consider the right path to go down.
It makes me feel sad reading stories like this because they have something to aim for, and an end game in sight. I dont have that. Yes transition can be difficult and can cost friends and family but there will be a stage where the struggle will be over and they can get on with their lives. I have a lifetime of secrets, emotional torment, and guilt. Guilt caused by this side of me, but also guilt from putting my partner through it too. Ive got to juggle 2 lives and try to find balance for them both, all the while trying to ensure the people in my Bob life doesnt find out for fear of where that could lead.