Monday, 5 November 2012

No End Game

On one of the TG forums I frequent someone has posted a really heartwarming story of her coming out very recently. She only registered on the forum a month ago and in this time she gone from being 'shy and fearful of the future', and has built up the confidence to tell her GP last week and also tell her family. I think this is amazing and I really wish her all the best.

While it is an amazing story and im really happy for her it also makes me feel a little sad. Everytime I see a picture of someone who has transitioned and they are smiling and happy im really happy for them but it breaks my heart a little too. I cant picture myself ever reaching a place where I truly accept and am happy with who I am. Ive never felt trapped in the wrong body, never felt uncomfortable in my own skin, but ive never really been happy with myself either. I just feel like im in no-mans land with no acceptable end result. This does not mean that transition is the right answer for me, there is a complicated cocktail of insecurities and esteem issues that is going on in my head right now and I am conscious of ensuring that I seperate these from my gender issues before starting to consider the right path to go down.

It makes me feel sad reading stories like this because they have something to aim for, and an end game in sight. I dont have that. Yes transition can be difficult and can cost friends and family but there will be a stage where the struggle will be over and they can get on with their lives. I have a lifetime of secrets, emotional torment, and guilt. Guilt caused by this side of me, but also guilt from putting my partner through it too. Ive got to juggle 2 lives and try to find balance for them both, all the while trying to ensure the people in my Bob life doesnt find out for fear of where that could lead.


  1. I can remember being in a similar boat a few years ago. I used to get so jealous because I never saw how I could transition even though it was something I was desperate for. Now, I'm just 4 months from my op and I'm one of those girls.

    I never felt 'trapped in the wrong body'. Truth be told, I think that that's a bit of a cliche. I just felt wrong, as though something wasn't right. Now I've been full-time for 29 months and those feelings just aren't there any more. Personally, I think that being TG is all about finding that inner acceptance and that inner peace. If you can do that without transitioning then that is great and is definitely the better path in the long run.

    Love Em x

    1. The thing is though is that I dont think transition is the right path for me, but seeing people go through that process and reading about the changes in attitude does get me down a little.

      Yeah it is a bit of a cliche I suppose but I dont really feel 'wrong' either, I just dont like being me. Its all in my head really. I do agree that being TG is about finding inner acceptance, many people get by without transition and I think I will end up being one of those people but ive got to sort out all these thoughts and feelings first to make sure that is the right place for me.

      Thanks for the comment Em,

      Aimee X

  2. Aw, thank you for your wishes and I am sorry that my story made you sad, I know how you feel though, I always felt the same when I read stories like this, I never dreamed I would be the one writing them. Although this last few weeks has been such a relief for me but I know that I still have a tough long journey ahead.

    Whatever path you choose, I hope that you too can find your happy place one day, and from what I have read it sounds like you couldn't have asked for a more loving and understanding partner to share it with. It might not seem like it but I think there is always an end game, you just need to find it. Good luck!

    Danielle x

    1. Who said it was your story? ;)

      No problem at all Danielle, and dont be silly you dont need to apologise for anything. I like reading stories like yours where you have a sense of purpose, a plan, and coming out to family goes so well. But at the same time I cant help but compare that to me, where I have no sense of purpose, no idea where I am going, and that I have to lead a double life with friends and family.

      Im sure ill find my way at some point, whether that is through transition or finding a way to balance Aimee and Bob, ill get there eventually I hope! I just worry that if it is something ive got to balance for the rest of my life then the worries and secrets will never end.

      Thank you for your kind words!

      Aimee X