Monday, 9 July 2012

Contemplating My Next Move

My gf is in work all day today so im sat here at my laptop dressed up in a red stripey dress, leggings and wedges contemplating my next moves and where they could take me. When I started this last year I gave myself a deadline of 12 months to either get it out of my system or take steps to do this properly and I intend to stick to it. Since ive decided this is part of who I am ive now got to decide what to do next. Ive decided that the week after next when she gets back from her holiday will be when I will break the news, what news this will be is what I am trying to figure out.

I have no intention of coming out to the world with what I am, this is not something which will ever be full time for me. I like having man time, but similarly I like having time to let my feminine side out as well. As Lisa Johanna put it so brilliantly on her blog: "I was born male and I'll die male, with interludes of glamorous femininity along the way". Because of this there is no real need to come out to everyone in my life, but I think at the very least my gf has a right to know.

On the one hand coming clean is the main option I seem to be working towards at the moment but it also could potentially have the messiest outcome. Knowing what im like in conversation the decision to do this by letter seems the best way to approach this. That way I know all the main points I want to get across are in there, and then I will be there to answer the many questions shes likely to have afterwards. However the possible outcome of this is that she will reject me, split up with me, tell all our friends and 'out me', which is not what I want. To be honest from conversations ive had with her where ive tried to test the water, I think this is likely what will happen. I will only get one shot at this and if it goes badly my life will get turned upside down. To be honest it probably will anyway!

On the other hand just ending it with her is also an option I am considering. This way I will still get to keep this a secret on my terms, she will never know, and then I get to explore this the way I want to with no-one to answer to. But then I will be losing the girl ive spent the last 8-9 years with and ill never know what could have been. Part of the reason im considering this option is because after 8-9 years with her ive grown comfortable with her which is no bad thing, we still get on as well as we did when we met but im not sure if I still love her in the way she does me. Ive grown so used to hiding my feelings that im finding it difficult to tell what is what.

As ive been typing this I have been thinking, would it be so bad to be outed to my friends? To be honest I know some of them would probably never talk to me again, but then at the same time I dont think others would care and it would show who actually values me as a friend.

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