I get a few hits to this blog for people searching for terms like 'I dont want to be a crossdresser' and 'I cant decide if I want to be a crossdresser', and if you have come across this blog looking for answers to this very question then this post is just for you.
Being Trans* whether that is as a Crossdresser, Transvestite, Transgender, Transexual, Genderqueer, something else or something in between, or even if your not sure where you fit on the gender spectrum, is not a choice that we have. There is something hardwired inside your brain that means you have a need to express a feminine part of your personality to some degree, and how much will depend on your individual circumstances. Trying to deny or suppress your feelings is not healthy and will only lead to more intense issues further down the line. I spent many years trying to deny this side of me and slowly it started becoming a massive regret which I was obsessing over. This contributed to my depression, and to a point, it still does a little now. You need to learn to accept it and figure out how far you need to go to be happy, and you will not be able to figure it out without pushing some boundaries. There will be some challenges along the way, and you might surprise yourself when you figure out what this means to you, but the journey will be worth it.
You dont want to be in a position where you regret this years down the line, we are only here once and we are all different. Experiment now, get out there and try it out while you can look good doing it. You dont want to be 60 years old looking in a mirror wearing a dress far too short and revealing, wishing you had tried this out sooner. Im only tackling this at 30 years of age and im really regretting not doing it earlier in my life when I would have looked far better (and maybe dare I say it, convincing) and been able to enjoy it more. I often think about where my life would be now if I had accepted this many years ago, I think I would be a lot happier with myself now, thats for sure. As it is though, im now very happy with having this other side to me in my life. I love dressing up, I love how makeup changes the way my face looks, I feel so much happier with myself when I can have my feminine moments, and I would not change it for the world.
Take the time to explore it, maybe even get in touch with other people about it. Make use of the internet and the various Trans* contact sites and support forums that are out there, get chatting to people, arrange to meet them or go on a night out with them, or find out where your local support groups are and make a trip to one. If you are really worried or confused then go and see a counsellor/therapist. People do need help from time to time and there is no stigma attached for trying to sort yourself out. If you decide to go and see one make sure they deal with Transgender issues as someone who is not trained in the specifics of this will not be able to help you.
Theres nothing wrong about expressing your female side, and talking to other people in the same situation as yourself will help you realise this, and maybe even help you realise how far you need to go. If you can meet someone face to face that would be best but even chatting online can help. If you are really unsure, you can even comment on this post if you like and I will reply to you.
p.s. I rewrote this post on 17/02/13 because of the search hits I was getting to it, I decided to do a search using the same search term used to find this blog, and found that there are a lot of blogs and sites that
want to try and 'fix' you, usually by following religion or some other
far-fetched method. As this was the only search hit that comes from a
blog which is 'pro-TG', I figured I would amend this post to something which would encourage visitors to explore this side of them since the original post was written at a time when i was still in turmoil and depressed, not long before coming out to my partner. I have decided to keep the original post and here it is below, but please bear in mind I was not in a good place at the time:
Just a quick post about people searching for answers. I can see that some of the search terms used to find this blog were 'I dont want to be a crossdresser' and 'I cant decide if I want to be a crossdresser', and I just wanted to say a quick something about that.
To be honest you dont get a choice im afraid. As much as I enjoy it I dont want to be a crossdresser and ive spent many years trying hard not to give in to it, but the longer you try and leave it and ignore it the stronger it comes back. It just plays in your head again and again and again until you give in. The reasons why we do this are varied and will be down to the individual but you might as well accept now that this is part of who you are. You dont want to end up like me. Im turning 30 tomorrow and im regretting not making this a part of my life years sooner. On the one hand I really enjoy getting dressed up and chilling out en femme, but then ive got a gf who ive lived with for years and to 'come out' is going to shake up and probably devastate both our lives, plus im considering therapy to try and get my head round it but its something ive got to do.