Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Counting Down

So my deadline for telling the gf runs out soon, I plan to tell her when she comes back from holiday with her parents the week after next. It really isnt long to go and every time I think about it I feel more and more anxious. I can feel my chest pulsing or fluttering and I get light headed about it. I know that the majority of what ive been feeling has been because of work, but I need to remember why I need to come clean about this too.

I need to remember that before I started getting depressed I was obsessed by dressing almost all of the time. Everytime I saw a good looking girl in the street I would certainly feel attracted to her, but I would also feel a mixture of admiration, envy and jealousy about what what she was wearing and how she looked. If I saw a dress I liked in a shop window I would not be able to stop thinking about it. At times it was obsessive and a nightmare to control. As much as ive got mixed feelings about the cause of my depression this is still something I need to admit to myself and allow space to breathe.

Because of this I need to realise that even if I get the depression under control I would still be back to how I was before, living a lie behind my gfs back.

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