Exercise Update

I did Yoga 4 days out of 7 last week, but trying to do it from pictures on a few websites I found it felt awkward and I wasnt convinced I was getting into the right positions to get the full benefit. It turns out that maybe I wasnt.

Today I decided to actually work from a video instead, and a quick search on Youtube found there was plenty to choose from. I eventually settled on a channel called 'Yoga With Adriene', and in particular a video which contains a 40 minute workout for beginners. I worked through the whole 40 minutes and plan to for the rest of the week before reassessing. Theres definitely a lot more movement and other things to consider when you are in your poses, and these are things that were missed out on the written tutorials I had found.

It would have made sense to go straight to the videos from the start to be able to see the poses in action as well as an explanation, but the reason I didnt do this was because I wanted to avoid the 'spirituality' aspect of Yoga. I really dont buy into it at all and I didnt want to have to sit through a video of it, but well, it appears this is unavoidable. I do feel a bit silly doing it though, and my cat does seem to love attacking me while I am trying a few poses too, which isnt very helpful.

In Other News

The hair removal I went through the other week didnt quite work as well as I thought it had. My skin was pretty clear for the first few days but once again my back, shoulder, upper arms and chest are covered in loads of angry, sore red spots. Im at a loss to what I can do, I cant keep going through months of this after every time I decide to dress up.

I have also signed up for Pinterest, and I can be found here. I think for now it will just be a selection of ideas and things ive found that I might want to try to help advance my female side, including exercise, makeup, clothes, and so on. I thought id give it a go, and see if it is of any use.

Getting Fit... Again...

I am incredibly unfit. My joints creak and ache, and if I sit still long enough, they get stiff and uncomfortable when I have to actually move again. I make noises when I have to stand up (definitely getting old) and I have no stamina at all. Also my ham strings are so tight I can not totally straighten my legs apart from when I am stood up. So, the effort to get fit starts again.

This week I have been trying yoga, and I have done it 3 out of the past 4 days so far. Im not doing it properly by going to classes or anything, oh no. Im doing it my way. I have found a few websites with some beginners poses and this week have been copying the images and instructions, and the routine im doing takes about 20-30 minutes a day. Of course this may mean im doing some of the poses incorrectly, and I certainly dont feel any benefit from a few of them, but with others I can definitely feel the strain.

Yoga looks a lot easier than it really is! You see pictures of people looking all calm and stretching themselves out into positions with ease. The reality for me is aching muscles, shaking, struggling, and in one particular position I go light headed because im upside down for so long! Im sure it will get easier with time but right now my fitness level is so low I cant wait to get out of a few positions.

Im still trying to figure out which poses are the best for me, I want flexibility back in my legs, back and shoulders, and I want to tone without adding muscle. And there also needs to be the consideration that I currently have all the flexibility and grace of a brick. And if there is anything I can do to reduce my waist and/or help give me a slightly more feminine shape, ill do it! Ive been cycling through a few poses but I just dont really know which ones will have the effect I want.

I think in the long run I might look at figuring out a routine which is part yoga, part pilates, and part aerobic exercise to help shape and tone my body, and then maybe after that look at starting to go jogging again. But I definitely need to take it one step at a time.

Keeping Secrets

As the very perceptive 'B. Strong' commented on my last post, ive not exactly been forthcoming with my partner about what ive been getting up to lately when it comes to my girly side. Its not that ive been lying, ive just not really been telling her about anything.

I didnt tell her before I removed my body hair, I didnt tell her that I had ordered new clothes, and I didnt tell her that I had planned to dress up last weekend. She confronted me about this yesterday, and clearly wasnt happy that I wasnt talking about it, and that I was keeping secrets. And even during this conversation I didnt really want to talk about it. Theres a couple of things going on here that means im finding it really difficult to open up about this with her recently. Ive never been entirely comfortable with talking about it anyway but lately this is even worse.

I dont really ask or need to know about everything she does, when she shaves her legs, or what clothes she is buying and why, or even what plans she has on any given day. Im a great believer in personal freedoms, I dont see why I need to check in every thing I decide to do with her. I dont do it (or need to do it) with anything else in my life, so it feels awkward having to 'check in' things I want to do with her, before I do them. But then over the course of the year, she hasnt exactly been the most positive person when I have wanted to talk about it either. Her attitude changes and I can tell that she either wasnt really interested, or wasnt happy to be talking about it. And when I have brought things up like clothes, she shoots the conversation down. She hasnt really been very supportive lately, and again this attitude shows. This hasnt exactly helped with my confidence with bringing things up with her.

Thats not to say she has been entirely negative all the time, we still have had the odd joke over it and she has asked the odd question, but im in a position where I feel like if I do bring it up she probably wont be happy, and if I dont she wont be happy either. In fact, my confidence about showing her this side of me generally has just taken a massive dip. I feel embarrassed, I feel like I let her down. And her attitude with me is not helping.

And Finally After 6 Months...

I finally dressed up again, and I have missed it terribly. My gf has been away this weekend and within hours it was like a tranny bomb had hit the house. Clothes pulled out from various places and strewn everywhere, makeup all over the table. Assorted trans related goods dotted around the place. I went a bit crazy. :)

Ive had a bit of a clear out. Some of my earlier purchases were not the classiest/flattering, and theyve been sat shamefully at the bottom of various piles for ages. So what this meant is trying on loads and loads of clothes trying to decide what to keep and what to throw away. Ive now got a bag full of clothes from the wardrobe, and ive binned loads of stuff from my tranny-cupboard too. I just couldnt bear to throw away some of my party dresses though, im probably never going to wear them but they are too pretty!

Ive been experimenting with what accessories I use this weekend. Ive been dressing up without boobs just to see what its like and I think when im dressing up more relaxed, I could quite happily go without the breastforms. If im going out though, I may still wear them.

I bought some new makeup this weekend to try as well. When I was in London I went to a Boots and got my face tested for their colour match foundation (which was spot on btw). Well it turns out based on your foundation you can get lipstick that is also matched to your skin tone as well. So I checked their website to see what lipstick colours were compatible with my foundation and then headed to the main store in town. Im pretty sure the girl behind the counter knew it was for me but there we go.

Since it is party season I thought id experiment and go for some red lipstick and co-ordinating nail varnish. I didnt think I would like it too much but you know what, I actually really do. Im not sure when I will ever need to wear red lipstick again but I do like the look if it. Its such a nice colour and really didnt budge all day. I wasnt doing anything particularly heavy duty with my lips but I didnt have to re-apply once. I also bought some purple varnish with a pinky lipstick too but didnt get a chance to try them over the weekend.  Maybe next time.

When it came to the dreaded task of hair removal it actually went pretty well this time around. Historically ive always had a problem with it, with my skin reacting in weird and nasty ways. But this time ive hardly had a reaction at all apart from one pretty serious one. I used Veet for men again, I only kept it on for the maximum guide time (not up to 10 mins as some people say) and then wiped it off with an old tshirt. I had no reaction and it did a pretty good job but not perfect, the only issue was on my hip it actually burnt me. As soon as it was applied I felt it burn so I washed it off but the damage was already done, and im now left with a rash on my hips. After using the Veet I then waited 24 hours and then went over problem areas with a razor, but rather than the usual multi blade job, on the back of Gilette Fusion blades is a single blade used for trimming. I used that extremely softly and I had no real reaction at all. It doesnt get every hair but it was good enough for this weekend.

Well now im back, I dont intend to stop. Ive really enjoyed this weekend even though I havent left the house. I think im past the negative thinking of recent times, and I cant wait for my next chance to dress up again.

T-Central Guest Post

A while back now I received an email from Calie over at  T-Central, asking if I would be interested in writing a guest post for their new series of 'Thoughts and Reflections'. Initially I was hesitant, I wasnt sure that I was going to be able to type anything that I felt would be up to standard. I felt like if I was going to write for her then my post should have meaning (like Lynn's excellent, motivational piece), rather then the self indulgence I usually post on here. But after countless attempts at trying to write something meaningful without coming across as preachy, I stuck to what I know and settled for the self indulgence anyway! I decided that my journey was the only one I was truly qualified to speak about, so I created a post which covered a brief bit of my history, along with some ponderings ive been having lately about how to fit all this trans stuff into my crowded and established male identity.

I spent a considerable amount of my free time working on it (when I should have been job hunting) and went through loads of different ideas, versions and edits. I found it quite difficult trying to be honest about what ive been through without sounding too negative/depressing, but I think I found a nice balance. And I also didnt want to spend ages waffling on, so I even cut loads out to try and keep it interesting. I just hope I didnt cut too much out and lose some of the points I wanted to make.

So yeah, if you are interested in reading it, my contribution to 'Thoughts and Reflections' can be found here. I would love to hear what you think.

Feminine or Delicate?

Im currently in the middle of two weeks off from work, last week me and my other half went away to Edinburgh for a bit of a break. We flew up which meant I got on a plane for the first time in over 10 years, stayed in a hotel that was in the building that the writer of Sherlock Holmes lived, did the usual touristy thing, and eat out far more than was healthy (including one £70 meal in a very posh restaurant, which was lovely).

While we did have a good time, I did find that if history isnt your thing (which it isnt mine), once youve been to see the tourist hot spots there really isnt much else to do. And I imagine this would be the same for any city break. So thats something to bear in mind in the future.

Anyway, so ive been fighting the urge to buy new things for my trans side for a long time, fueled by the fact that I havent been indulging it since May. Not only that, but my other half doesnt like me spending money on girls clothes partly because im not really using them at the moment, but also when I am wearing them, im not wearing them often enough to justify the cost (to her).

But while we were there we went shopping around loads of little boutique shops and came across a place called Black Box boutique (which is sadly closing early next year), and I found a necklace that frankly I couldnt say no too. I didnt buy it straight away and left it for a while, but since we swung back that way I persuaded my gf to go back so I could buy it. She was obviously not happy but I went ahead and bought it anyway. My first piece of boutique jewellery!

 

Its not really a feminine piece, but thats one thing I like about it. Im not really a fan of 'extreme femininity', delicate pieces of jewellery, extreme makeup, vintage clothing, floral designs (in most cases), feminine detailing like unnecessary buttons as embelishments and so on (although I do have a love of sequins, it doesnt matter how bad they scream DRAG QUEEN!). I suppose in some way this is probably my male side influencing how I want to look, simple styles, simple patterns and colours, bolder jewellery and so on. And I think the necklace I bought definitely appeals to this. I think if I was really a girl, id definitely be a bit of a tomboy.

When I was in London last year with a friend Christmas shopping, we were going to loads of boutique places, and in one our friend said that she didnt really like the jewellery in there because it wasnt very feminine, and that it had "obviously been designed by a man' (or something along those lines). I dont think wearing or liking less delicate/vintage items is less feminine, I suppose its just less delicate. Feminine can be big, bold and strong too.

Since coming back from holiday, ive just spent more money on some new clothes from one of my favourite online stores. I really want to get back into it and I think I need some fresh new clothes to do it (any excuse eh?). I could have spent a small fortune there but deliberately took out some of the more expensive items (and most of the party dresses too!) and some of the things that I probably wouldnt wear as often to help keep the costs down. So all thats left is a few dresses, skirts and jumpers. I just need to find space to keep them all now! Im seriously thinking about having a clear out of some of my older things that im just not going to wear, I just need to get off my bum and do it.

This week is going to be the week that I finally get to be me again. Im building it up slowly towards the weekend, and then im really going to indulge my female side I think. My gf is away so ive got the house to myself. I dont know what to do though really, any suggestions anyone?

The Gauntlet

Has anyone noticed since I said I would stop posting anything negative that my posts have dried up? ;)

So my shifts have changed in work and I am now regularly finishing after 11pm at night. My route home from work involves cutting right across the city centre, down one of the busiest pedestrianised streets filled with non-mainstream bars. So two to three nights a week I have to fight crowds of people out having a good time while I am on my way home from work.

I get jealous, incredibly jealous. Not of the fact that they are out having a good time when ive been in work, to be honest its not really my 'scene'. But I get jealous of the ladies that are there. I get surrounded by them, everywhere I look theres no escaping the sights and sounds of women enjoying themselves all around me. All of them looking absolutely gorgeous, all of them looking the way I want to look and could never hope to achieve even when I am trying. Groups of them giggling with their friends in a way that I could never do as a man, or even as a part time girl. It makes me feel a little miserable, I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and a lump in my throat thinking that I will never live the life I want to live, that life. And im forced to go through this several times a week now.

Theres always an underlying current of this that I deal with almost continuously unless my mind is kept extremely busy, but going through this gauntlet every week is draining. Its so intense, and there is nothing I can do to stop or control it. I could change my route of course but every route home involves a similar amount of bars and people to pass unless I go massively out of my way.

In Other News

Ive started cursing myself again, ive been having off days emotionally too. All signs of the return to the downward spiral. Im very conscious of this fact and I do not want to go back there. Ive got two weeks off at the beginning of November, the first will hopefully be spent abroad. The second will maybe be me trying to get back into being me again. Its been too long but ive just been too busy with work and that that ive had no time to do things for myself lately. These late shifts are incredibly draining.

On the name side of things im down to two names I think. I may however keep which one I decide to myself and my friends, rather than publish it on here. I quite like the nom-de-plume ' a part time girl', and I may just sign myself off on here using that name from now on.

A part time girl x

Whats in a Name?

The concept of having a second name is more complicated than it sounds, especially when it comes to choosing one for yourself.

First off having a second name can imply a second identity when in reality this is not the case. Whether I am presenting as male or female, im still the same me in my head. But if I am going to go to the effort as presenting as a female, then a female name is required to fit the image. My real name could potentially be used for both genders if I wanted to, but I cant risk any overlap.

Secondly, its quite a minefield having to choose one myself. I feel I need to make sure that there is nothing relate-able to it because there will always be questions with how I chose it. For example, I wouldnt want to choose the name of someone in my family, an ex-girlfriend, someone famous for all the wrong reasons, or even a friend for that matter in case my girlfriend tries to find a connection that isnt there: "Why did you choose that name, do you want to be like her?". Plus if others found out about me, in particular someone who shares the name I use, they might come to a similar conclusion and find it a bit creepy.

Another issue is that when I had to choose my previous two names is that ive never really felt like any of the names I had to pick from were 'me'. A name is something you are given, something you grow up with. It isnt generally something you choose yourself.

So, the reason I am posting about this is I cant call myself Aimee anymore. Ive been thinking of changing it anyway for quite a while for various reasons (including I have a cousin called Amy) but I was a bit weirded out by a story I was told the other weekend, there are just too many connections to something I dont want to be. I might be over-reacting a little but there we go, it was the final push I needed to actually change my name.

This will be the third name I will have used for my female side, and this one I want to stick with permanently so im trying to think of the best way of coming up with a name. The obvious one is to ask my mum what I would have been called if I was born a girl, but I wouldnt have a clue how to bring this up with her without arousing suspicion. She can be very perceptive and as much as I have been thinking about telling her, I just dont think its a good idea. So the only other option is that ive written a massive list of names down, and removed those which to the best of my knowledge are in use by family and close friends, sound trashy, or have connections I dont want to be affiliated with. So far im down to:

Abigail - Or Abi for short
Kayleigh
Kara- Hmm, maybe not
Melanie - Mel
Sophie - Soph

I would have loved to be Becca or Hannah, but unfortunately those names are taken! :)


Of course I am still open to suggestions, im finding this incredibly difficult.

A New Look, A New Outlook

So, I realise ive been away from here for a while. The work stuff is still an issue but im not stressing over it anymore. When a company is actively trying to fire you unfairly in order to avoid paying redundancy, I couldnt help but get a little bit annoyed. Its not over yet but things have calmed down, and I will shortly be seeking employment elsewhere. I have no nice words to say about that place, or the people who try (and fail) to run it.

Anyway, enough of that.

You may have noticed ive given the blog a nice touch up. A splash of colour, a heavy dosing of spotty-goodness (I adore spots, and polka dots, and anything like them), and a change of name to reflect a new outlook I am trying to adopt. Im not too sure what to do about the URL though, I really want to change it but then a few people might not be able to find my blog anymore.

So yes, onto my change of outlook. I dont want to be a negative Nancy anymore, I want to be a positive Polly! Ive calmed down a lot over my T side lately, and while I still havent dressed up since May, im pretty ok with it. I miss it dreadfully, but its not depressing me. Soon though, I intend to get back into dressing up again. I still want to get out more, and intend to do something about it.

More posts to come soon, I realise I have been away for a while but as mentioned above real life has kept me very busy. I do have some thoughts and ponderings ive been meaning to share for some time, once I can get some time to properly arrange my thoughts, I shall do so.

3 Years Ago Today

3 years ago today my first ever batch of womens clothing and 'trans accessories' arrived in the post. My girlfriend was away with her parents for the week and I had finally given in to the thoughts that were constantly plaguing me about ignoring a massive part of who I am and the regret this could cause. When the package arrived I was so excited and spent ages in front of the mirror trying something on, then trying something else on, then trying the first thing back on and so on. I didnt make the best choices in clothing. I had to try and keep it cheap so the quality wasnt the best but it didnt matter at the time. They were mine and they enabled me to actually see this other side to my identity in front of my own eyes, and get that one step closer to my dream. I felt so happy.

I had arranged to meet another t-girl to dress up and chat with the following weekend. This was my first interaction with someone like me and I was nervous, and was very quiet. I had bought makeup but had never used it before, and used it for the first time while I was there. Im sure I looked like a clown and luckily, there are no photos! During our conversation she surprised me with a question, asking if or when I planned on telling my gf. Up to that point I hadnt really thought about it, but decided that I would give it one year and if after that year I decided I wasnt going to be able to stop dressing up then I would tell her. And well, we all know what happened there.

Throughout the upcoming year I dressed up every chance I got and also met another t-girl who let me dress at hers. It was all so liberating and I looked forward to each and every opportunity I could get. As the end of the year came up I realised I couldn't turn my back on this, and knew full well what I promised myself when this journey started.

When I did come out to my gf the following year I took a massive risk, one im glad I took. But I anticipated a payoff that was worthwhile, but over the years this hasnt come into fruition like I thought it would. I had big plans for what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go and to an extent I have ticked some quite major achievements off my trans-to-do list. But I still feel like im cut off from the world, that im not where I need to be, that I dont do this enough, and it bugs me. Hugely. Ive certainly hit a few milestones over the last few years but I have achieved so little in quantity.

So yeah, July is the month I have two birthdays. I turned 32 near the beginning of this month, but I didnt do anything to celebrate. We sat in, had takeaway pizza and watched the final Batman movie from the dark knight trilogy (which looks amazing on my new TV btw). Ive got no party planned or anything, with all the stuff thats been going on and the general mood I am in I just dont really feel like celebrating. As I mentioned previously today my female side is 3 years old and equally I dont feel like celebrating that either, I wish there was something I could do to celebrate it though but cant really come up with anything. July is also the month I went to a dressing service and saw my female side properly for the first time, the month I came out to my partner and also the month I went to Sparkle so its pretty busy for milestones. I feel like I should make a bit more of a deal out of it.

So May, June and so far through July has been pretty tough, lots going on and my mood has been up and down. I dont know if how im feeling at the moment is because of work, being trans, getting older, or just generally because of life. Sometimes I just really feel like hiding away, I have no enthusiasm or desire to do anything. But I am obviously aware of this and know I need to change some things.

Ill start off with work. My appeal went through in work and my outcome was deemed too harsh and downgraded to a first written warning, which I still think is unfair but this decision is final. This downgrade may seem like a good thing but I still think there is an agenda against me, and as they have rated this as gross misconduct which can lead to dismissal it does mean I could still be dismissed with one further offense. And the area is so vague it could literally be anything. Im no safer than I was on the final. I still feel like I cant go back and have extended my sick leave. I cant put into words how much I loathe the thought of working there any longer, and how low I get thinking about just walking through the door. The money is good, and that is the only reason ive stayed there for so long but I know I need to start looking elsewhere now. I dont really want to do this line of work any more but only have a handful of GCSEs to my name so dont exactly have a ton of opportunities available to me.

On the t side of things ive been trying so hard over the past few years to find middle ground that would keep the two sides of my life in balance, but I just cant find it. Part of the problem is the compromise I have to come to with my gf. There are things I would love to do physically but I have to maintain enough maleness to keep my gf happy. And as time passes the more my body changes so it becomes more masculine (hair! im growing it and losing it in the wrong places!!!), and the more out of reach this middle ground seems to be. Honestly, if I could be fairly androgynous in appearance to make being able to present acceptably as either gender easier/easy, I think I would be happy with that but the changes required to achieve this would be too much for my other half. I am at a total loss with this. Ive had plenty of good suggestions given to me but none are workable, so its just something im going to have to learn to accept I think. Socially, well I just need to try harder. Its difficult trying to synchronise calendars with people, and I find it really difficult to make new friends. I think I need to start looking at going on a few trips solo because trying to arrange things with others is a bit of a nightmare. Doing something monthly would be perfect for me, rather than once a year.

Im very conscious that to my regular readers I sound like a broken record at this point, all I have been doing on here lately is complain about things without actually doing anything about it. Ive said before that I dont want to be this person, that I want to be proactive and actually make changes to better myself as I have in the past, but finding motivation is difficult when I really just feel like giving up and work has not helped here at all. Ive been off work for 3 weeks now, and ive had plenty of opportunities to be productive but just havent. Now the appeal is out the way and I have a few more weeks off work (minimum) I need to make the most of it. Sort my career out, get my inner girl back, get organised and actually do something.

I will change. I have to.

Real Life Issues

Its been a long time since my last post, im still here but ive had things going on in work that have been playing on my mind. Around the time of my last post I was investigated for gross misconduct, something I felt at the time was being done unfairly, and still do. I dont want to go into loads of detail but the investigation and disciplinary dragged out over a protracted amount of time for no good reason, causing me unnecessary stress. I was given a final written warning when in 8 years I have never had any disciplinary, or been pulled up for anything like this before. When I was given the outcome I thought the stress would subside, but it didnt. And since then I have been off work on the sick due to stress.

I went through my appeal today which was not a fun experience, but to be honest I think there is an ulterior motive and I dont think my appeal is going to do any good. Unfortunately due to the fact the investigation was poorly handled by my line manager, I have had to drop him right in it. Its against my nature to do this sort of thing usually, but I feel like im backed into a corner and I have to do what I can to try and defend myself. After this is all done, I might have to change to a different manager. That is if I go back of course.

I think im going to have to look for a new job. The atmosphere has changed so much over the past year, lately I liken it to Game of Thrones. Everyone has their own agenda, I never know who to trust, and when I least expect it I get a knife in my back. Its a shame, there are good people there, some of which ive worked with for a very long time. They are wasted at such a waste of a company.

This whole crappy situation has just dragged me down.

After London I promised myself id make more of an effort with my T side, and at the very least id keep my eyebrows tidy after paying to get them threaded. But with all this stuff going on its been the least of my worries to be honest and I have really let myself go. But since the appeal is now over (at least until the outcome in 1-2 weeks time) im going to try and start putting this behind me as much as I can, and start getting myself back in shape next week. I want to build myself up to having a me day next week, since it is long overdue.

MGC 2 Years On: A Retrospective

2 years.

2 years ive been dipping in and out of this blog, recording the very few highs and very many lows of trying to figure out how I can make myself more comfortable on my journey between genders. Since the first retrospective I think there has been progress and I have come to a few realisations, however it feels like every time I eventually manage to move forward, it raises more and more questions.

In July last year I went on my first weekend away to spend entirely dressed up, daytime and night time! I went to Sparkle in Manchester and while I didnt particularly get on with the entertainment or things to do, it was a good introduction to being out and about in public, but in the relative safety of the gay quarter.

Following this was a period of inner turmoil. I was struggling with trying to cope with my gender issues, and in turn this caused my dysphoria and depression to kick back in in a big way. This was different than my last bout of depression, it was a lot more emotional. I eventually had to tell my GP about my trans side, and was prescribed anti depressants to help cope while I was referred to counselling. After a while I had to come off the anti depressants, not because I was better, but because I was not reacting well to them.

My low mood meant for the rest of the year I was finding it difficult to motivate myself to express my female side, since fighting the 'maleness' felt more and more difficult everytime I needed to trim it back, to the point it felt almost futile. I was struggling to find a balance where I was happy with my appearance in either form, and this became a vicious circle.

As we entered 2014, this slowly started to calm down a bit. I finally started counselling over 7 months after referral although by this point I dont think I needed it. I still havent dressed up much this year though, mostly as it feels like a waste to dress up just to sit around the house.

This month I also finally managed to go on my first weekend dressed up in the general public, I went to London and spent a night out in Soho, and a day out wandering through Covent Garden towards the Thames. This was a totally different experience of Sparkle, without being in the relative safety of the gay quarter it was fairly uncomfortable after a while.

To summarise, mentally this past year has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me but it has slowly evened out over this year so far. Experience-wise I have done a couple of quite big things over the past 12 month which I have wanted to do for years. Im really happy I managed to push myself out there to do them, but I dont think I would do them again. So, I am left left thinking "what now?".

Looking Forward

Im still trying to process London so to be honest im not sure where to go from here. While im confident and happy with myself (largely) as a female, im not the kind of person that is happy to put up with the scrutiny I felt I was under when mixing in with 'normal' people. In some ways, this is what I wanted. I wanted to build myself up to be able to go anywhere and do anything dressed up and for it to be and feel normal, but the reactions of the people around me made me feel anything but normal.

So, what now? I dont know. I really dont know.

Sometimes I just think what is the point? What I want is to be seen and accepted as female but that just seems completely unattainable. What is the point of going through the hassle of being trans if I cant achieve the thing im striving to? Most of the time though I try to look at things more realistically, I know my limitations and can work around and accept that I have to deal with them, but this doesnt help when it comes to other people and how they choose to deal with the man in a dress stood in front of them. If im not getting the social feedback from the people around me that correlates to the gender I present as, it makes it more difficult to keep it going mentally.

I dont want to have to limit myself to trans friendly places or private meets, but I think I am out of options.

The Big London Trip

I would have loved this post about my big trip to London to be full of things like: "it was amazing to be out in public as me", "ive never felt free-er", or anything else I usually read elsewhere when they write about this sort of thing, but to be honest the truth was miles away from this. The outcome was not what I expected, and im not sure it is an experience I would want to repeat anytime soon.

This was not the fault of my wonderful companions, J (who came with me to my first night out at BNO) and SH were awesome. Im really glad they made the trip with me, both were very patient and were great company. But, on a personal level I dont feel that putting myself through this weekend was a positive experience, and if anything has left me with more uncertainty than I set out with. The thing is, when I went to Sparkle last year it was out in public, and was something that for its faults I really enjoyed. I was comfortable and happy with being out and about, but this was not the same at all.

Anyway, first here is a rough retelling of the events leading up to and over the weekend, then ill go over the mental gymnastics afterwards.

(This post is likely to be full of contradictions and will probably have a few rambling moments too, please bear with me)

The Lead Up

It was difficult trying to get prepared for the weekend, my shifts at work were pretty solid during the few weeks leading up to it so I had no real time to get organised. I ended up having to book off one more days leave than I wanted to use for the day before I was due to go, just to make sure I had time to at least get some preparation done.

I spent this day getting my upper body waxed, quickly dragging my gf around some shops frantically trying to get some outfits together, going through my clothes trying to find stuff to wear, and packing followed by repacking because of course I couldnt fit everything I wanted to take in my case. As it turns out, the waxing was a waste of time since once again my chest came up in a mass of spots which meant I ended up having to wear high necked clothes anyway. Grrrr.

Friday

I got into London at about 1230 and SH met me at the station. We then tried to make our way across London to our hotel near Oxford St, but got a bit confused by the tube maps! We ended up taking quite a long way around, and had to walk quite a way to get to our destination which considering I had a large backpack and also a case, was no mean feat! J met us at the hotel, and after dropping our stuff off and doing a little unpacking we made our way back towards Oxford St.


Because I was in such a rush I still needed to do a few things before dressing up. So even though they didnt need to do anything, J and SH very patiently came around a few shops with me. I went to boots and used their colour match service to get some new foundation (which is really nice by the way) since my current foundation works very well, but im not sure the skin tone is quite right since the colour always looks a little off. I also picked up some new flats from H&M to wear with my Saturday day outfit, and also went to get my eyebrows threaded at Blinks in John Lewis. Ive never had them done before so this was a new experience for me, also the girl doing it unexpectedly gave me a little head massage at the end which was really, really nice!

We had food out (although I also ended up running back around to boots since I forgot I needed to pick up some mascara) and then we went back to the hotel to change. The plan was to go out into Soho, in particular to a place called Madame Jojo's that someone recommended from Angels forum. We had looked around for other places to go but since we didnt know the area, and from a lack of advertising online, we couldnt really find other places to go.

It was already dark by the time we left the hotel, and it was a colder night than what I was prepared for. We crossed Covent Garden and Soho on foot and made our way towards Madame Jojo's. SH was striding out ahead of us as we made our way across London, this meant that I was able see the occasional double takes and sideways glances that she was attracting. There were not as many as I thought there would be, although SH did mention during the walk that she was getting fed up of people looking at her so maybe I wasnt seeing as many people as she was. For the most part though people were just getting on with whatever they were doing. There were however a lot of people out in various states of rowdiness and this was a little intimidating, however I think this would have been equally as intimidated if I was dressed as a man.

So we got to Madame Jojo's, supposedly this place is T friendly and even has a regular T event there. However, we got to the door only for the bouncer to say "private party tonight" and as we turned away his friend on the door laughed. On their website for that night they advertised a magic show and also a regular music night they do there, there was nothing mentioned about it being a private party that night. As far as we are concerned we were turned away because of how we were dressed, which was bitterly disappointing considering their supposed T credentials. So instead we went to a little gay bar which was next door, and we were the only T girls in there. It was ok, the music swayed from tolerable to cheese to back again fairly quickly, and we just had a few drinks in there and then decided to make our way back to the hotel.

The walk back was colder than it had been earlier in the night, and instead of taking the back streets back we ended up coming out on Oxford St quite a way from the hotel. But because it was so cold we just bared it and faced walking down such a busy high street dressed up!

I was annoyed at how the night turned out, and I think its safe to say that I think J and SH felt the same. 

Saturday

J ended up leaving fairly early on Saturday, she was going to come out with us but decided not to in the end. So after breakfast myself and SH went back out onto Oxford St, I needed to change the shoes I bought for a smaller size (a 6!!!) and also buy a high neck tshirt to cover the spots on my chest I came to realise werent going away. And we also went to see if we could find any casual things for SH to wear on the Saturday day although I dont think her heart was in it really and she didnt end up buying anything.

Throughout our walk it was becoming apparent that the confidence SH had built up was no longer there, and she said she didnt want to dress up for the Saturday daytime. After chatting about it a few times, she agreed to at least dress up ready while I did, and if she still felt like she wasnt up for it I would wait for her to quickly get changed back into her male clothes before we headed out. By the time I was ready she decided she was going to try it. We decided to go for a coffee nearby first before going for the big outing, so we could ease into being out in the daytime.

After the coffee we walked all the way down to Trafalgar Square which was so busy with people we decided to just skim past it and make our way towards the Thames. Being out in the daytime was a completely different experience to the night before. Without the relative safety of nightfall to hide imperfections and also peoples ability to see clearly it makes you very aware of what you are doing, look like, and also the people around you. Like the night before, a lot of people just seemed to not notice or were too polite to look, but quite a few people did and it was a lot more 'in your face'. During out outing I saw a lot of double takes, staring, and even heard people behind me saying things like "thats definitely a bloke!".

When we got to the Thames we crossed over to the Southbank which was an experience, a funnel of people you cant avoid looking at as they pass you. Someone slyly took a photo of me as I passed them as well which I was a bit annoyed about. We stopped for a quick photo opportunity but by the time we get to the south bank I suggested we headed back to the hotel and change back. SH agreed and I think she was equally as happy to do the same. The walk back seemed to take far longer than the walk there, and by the time we got back my feet were hurting because of my new shoes. I was glad to change back.

So, the girls weekend finished early, and the lads carried it on to the end. We went to Camden Lock market, out for food again, then spent the night having one drink in a few of the pubs and bars in Covent Garden before finishing off with a nice curry. We made our way back to the hotel and since SH had to be up early in the morning to catch her train we said our goodbyes.

Whats the Point?

So there were some things I took away from this weekend, some lessons learned, and also more uncertainty about where im going with this whole T second life.

I learned I have far more confidence than I realised, I was quite happy to be out there without a care about what others thought of me. I learned that passing is a myth, unless there has been medical intervention or you were born very lucky, there is no chance at all of 'passing' and you need to be prepared to be scrutinised. I learned that wigs are uncomfortable to wear in the daytime, and also seem to make me feel more fake.

And finally, I learned that I dont think going out in broad daylight and in public is for me. The thing is that confidence is only part of the battle. It was just uncomfortable being under so much scrutiny, of being hyper aware of whats going on around you and how you appear. And apart from the coffee shop (and the lovely polite staff in there as well), I felt intimidated by going into places that were confined and busy which meant we avoided them. Bars and restaurants were off the menu.

Not only that, but to me part of the point of being T is not just wearing the clothes, its trying to get some kind of social interaction and feedback as the gender I am presenting as. But, there is no way I will get that from 'normal' people since most will just not know how to deal with me. Not only that, but I just felt like a fake. I wasnt getting anything that made me feel more connected to my female side at any point throughout the weekend, if anything the opposite was happening. The constant scrutiny was reinforcing the fact that I was definitely not female.

In the end the realisation was that it just isnt worth it.

So what is the point? Where am I going with all this T stuff? I am bored of doing it at home alone, spending hours and a lot of effort getting myself all dressed up for no real reason. I dont like the 'scene' places either, where I feel like the people there (and not only some of the T people) just seem to pander unnecessarily to the stereotypes inflicted upon then. But then it seems that going out in public is also not enjoyable either.

Maybe I was just being too ambitious. But, I cant think of any other options.

What to Wear

The hotel is now paid, so im totally committed to going. Scary but so exciting! :)

In preperation of the upcoming London trip I have been trying to buy some new clothes. I wanted to try and blend in/not stand out as much as possible in the daytime wearing trousers and a top with a zip up hoodie I have bought, and then maybe wear a dress for the evenings with some flats.

I tried on some outfits today and unfortunately when I wear trousers my figure just looks too boyish. Ive never really wanted to get hip pads before now but seeing myself look like this has certainly made me reconsider. Im already using prosthetics on my chest, so why not on my hips as well? I know im never going to be convincing but its just too much. I have bought a casual skirt that I really like that I was going to wear as a backup with some leggings, but it just sticks to the leggings and I dont really fancy going bare legged. I havent tried it with tights but I guess the result will be just the same.

I was on the lookout for some smart, going out flats I could wear out since I know ill probably chicken out of wearing heels in the night time (although I will take them anyway, just in case) but had no luck finding any. I also want to get some new makeup as well, although im not sure what to buy. Any recommendations?

I also bought some new boobs from the breastform store, their gold seal forms. I have to say, they are a massive step up from the bosom friends forms I have been using for the past few years. The shape is so much better on the chest, and I like the feel of them. The only thing is they slightly stick out at the top where the seam is, and this can sometimes be seen through my tops if im not paying attention. They are meant to be attached to my chest, ill have to see about maybe just sticking the top of them down.

So back to London... there are a few things im looking to possibly do but im not sure the best places to go.

• Im looking to get a new wig
• Im looking to get my nails done, possibly a manicure
• Im looking to possibly get my makeup done one night

Does anyone have experience of doing these things in the capital? Where is good to go to?

A Girls Weekend Away - London

Ive been slowly planning a weekend in London with a few online t girl friends and today I put the money down and paid for my train tickets. Its official, on Friday the 2nd May im going.

Let the stress begin! :)

There are so many things to plan, confirm and worry about on the lead up to it and ive got so little time off work between now and then I dont know where or how to start.

We will be there from early Friday afternoon and then be coming back on Sunday. First and most importantly, I have to decide what im going to wear! Should I wear heels on the nights out? What can I wear so I look feminine enough without standing out too much, especially in the daytime? What makeup will look ok? Will my walk be feminine enough? (unlikely)

Then there are the activities. What shall we actually do? What shall we go and see? Where shall we eat? Where shall we drink? And where can we go to the loo? :)

Then there are also the preparations as well. Shall I get a full body wax because of the reaction I have to shaving? Shall I get my nails done professionally? (Ive always wanted a manicure) What clothes do I need to make me look like I blend in?

So many things to worry about, so little time. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas I would love to hear them!

Finding Middle Ground

Today I have not long had my fourth counselling session at my GPs office, and im not really sure where its going to be honest. This is nothing to do with the counsellor, but more to do with me.

We are talking about things that have been at the forefront of my mind over the past few years now. Things that I have already thought about, considered, weighed up, and figured out. She has certainly helped to clarify a few things, but the end result is still the same. The thing is, the two sides of me are at an impasse. I want what I cant have, and have a great difficulty dealing with the result. And there isnt really anything she can say that will help me with this.

Transition is out of the question. Its not something that I feel is right for me at this moment. Dealing with the GD some days is pretty hard going, but the way I feel and the way I think generally makes me believe that its not something I need to put myself through. So, I need to find the ever elusive middle ground. I need to give my female side enough space to breathe, in order to keep my male side sane. Easy peasy......

I think if I was physically androgynous so it would be easier to flit from one gender to the other, id be really happy with that. Of course im not that lucky so I have to deal with the task of trimming back the man which is such a laborious task that its not something I want to endure just for half a day sat around the house, and I rarely get the opportunity to get out these days. I see this as a self defeating circle: need to dress up > too much effort required > become miserable > dont want to dress anymore > need to dress up... If I had a reason to dress up it would give me a reason to go to all the effort.

I could just hide a lot of it under clothes, but I just dont have enough of a wardrobe that does this effectively while still looking good. Plus, this always feels like an all or nothing thing for me, I dont think it will be enough. I will still be conscious of it all hiding there. So, an excuse to shop then!

I need some solid actions to take away from this. Im fully aware ive been all talk and no action for quite a while, my mood has held me back for quite a while but things arent going to improve unless I actually get off my arse. Im not going to put anything here for now, im going to have a long think about what I can do to enable me to find this middle ground. What I need to do to become comfortable between genders.

Cant Escape

Today has not been a fun day at all. Im off work this weekend, and today me and my gf planned to go into town to grab some food and hit a few shops. I wasnt too bad when I first got up but this changed in the shower.

I always wear clothes that cover my body. Long arm t-shirts and trousers, and at night long arm pyjama tops and bottoms as well. When I get changed I never inspect my body in the mirror, its a quick change to cover it back up. Obviously when I have to shower its more difficult to do this. If I have to be somewhere (like work) then its not too bad because I just quickly get it over with because I have to be somewhere. When I have a bit of time to properly shower though (like today) I find myself just standing in the shower with my head leaning forward against the door almost in a daze, just looking down at my body while studying the hair, the spots (that I got from shaving) and the pot belly, and hating all of it. Im stuck with this, im really stuck with it and I hate it. And im getting older and its growing more and more. My body is deteriorating and the testosterone is causing more changes in the wrong direction.

Suffice to say by the time I got out of the shower my mood had dropped considerably and this had a knock on effect today.

Ive decided I hate shopping with my gf as well. One thing I thought might get better when I came out to my gf would be going shopping. Being able to take interest in what she buys as well as being able to pick up some things myself. As ive found though, it hasnt worked like that and I just seem to get more frustrated every time I go out with her. She doesnt mind me shopping for 'girl things' with her, and she actively mentions it during shopping, but I have some issues.

It feels like torture sometimes being dragged around clothes shops. In the mens shops I just dont feel like I 'fit in' at all. In the ladies shops. I still feel like a bloke getting dragged around the shop, and not a participant. I cant look like im totally engaged shopping for myself, I still have to hang around outside the changing room bored out of my mind while she is trying things on, and I have a real problem picking things out while she is there because she just tends to shoot them down, and this has had a knock on effect on my confidence. I have no problem shopping for myself, by myself but I find it really difficult when she is around. I just get really really frustrated and annoyed.

Usually I can put up with the shopping and sometimes I can enjoy it, but after the low start this morning ive just been completely miserable today. To the point where we ended up leaving town early and coming home because I was in such a mood. Im still feeling crap now.

I dont know, lately I think ive been feeling lower than usual. Im so unhappy with everything at the moment and I just cant find enjoyment in life at all.

All In The Air

I had my second counselling appointment today which got off to a great start. I was sat in the waiting room and just when it hit the appointment time the fire alarm went off, so they had to evacuate the building. As before I wont be going into detail about the session, but we seemed to mainly talk about how I feel about being trans, how I feel during my high and low moments, and my relationship with my gf. Afterwards I realised there were other points I could have made but didnt go into detail enough, so I do need to make a note of a few things to remember to speak about next time.

The problem I have is it is 2 weeks between sessions, and in this time I have to work which really does dominate my thoughts a lot due to the nature of the job, and the long hours. So when it comes to recalling thoughts and feelings for the past few weeks, all I can remember is work. I need to get a notepad I think and make some noted between sessions, to make it easier to recall.

On the Subject of Work...

I am so angry at the moment with work. Our shift patterns change every 6 months and every time it just feels like they have got worse and worse. They are due to change at the end of this month and they have finally reached a point where I dont think I can continue with my employment there anymore. I dont want to leave because the money is good and im not sure ill get near this pay bracket for quite a while, but I cant continue like this.

Basically they are moving me from 4x10 hour shifts a week to 5x8 hour shifts, and then putting us on a pattern which repeats every 4 weeks. Out of the 8 days off we have in this 4 week period, 4 of them are within 5 days of each other, the other 4 are split individually within the remaining 23 days of the month. We basically get no decent break for more than 3 weeks, and it is an absolute joke. Not only that, but 3 out of the 4 weeks we are on mid-late shifts, starting anytime from around 11am and ending at 9.30pm at the latest (for example:1100-1930 or 1300-2130). So, the days are wasted when we are scheduled in. There is no decent amount of time in the day or evening to have some time to myself. Because it is so long between grouped days off, this is just ridiculous.

Ive raised this with my line manager and he said there is nothing he can do (which I expected), so I will be raising this as a grievance with HR along with the other people stuck on my pattern. Theres so much going on at work at the moment and this just feels like another boot in the face while im down.

I really need to look for something new, im fed up of doing jobs like this. I need a new direction but have no idea where to start. Im not exactly young anymore (31, ouch) but need to get retrained in something. I was looking at IT jobs years back but im not sure they are as safe for a long term career as they used to be. I need to get another job in the mean time but im not sure I can face another call centre role.

First Counselling Session

So I went to my first NHS counselling session on Wednesday. Im not going to go into a massive amount of detail on this blog about what we discuss in these sessions but I do want to give an overview of points of interest.

When we first met and before id even had a chance to take my coat off I was asked what I preferred to be called. Ill be honest I wasnt really expecting that question, but chose my male name since that was how I was presented. It feels weird to use a female name if I dont present as female.

This appears to be a whole different kind of counselling than what I went through before. My last lot of counselling was more or less about the here and now, and tools to help move forward. Plus, it also seemed to be geared totally around my gender problems. This time around the counseller wants to use a 'holistic approach', and wants to look at the whole package. My mood, motivation, diet, exercise, and so on. She also seems to be taking a broader view on my history as well. Previously it was again centered around my gender, where this time we have already talked about my childhood and family life when I was younger.

When we finished I was meant to go straight to work but I ended up going home (on the counsellors instruction) for 20-30 mins to chill out and let my mind settle. I certainly wasnt in as happy a place as I was when I went in and this was only the first session.

Im not the kind of person that opens up and shares my thoughts and feelings under normal circumstances anyway. I never really speak about them with an actual person, usually I just bottle things up and/or write about them on here. Because of this I can see future conversations being particularly uncomfortable.

The next session is in two weeks and in some ways im looking forward to it, in other ways im not.

Photobombed

It appears during my last set of photos that my kitten Molly decided to photobomb one of them without me realising it. She was fascinated by the camera and spent a fair bit of time trying to climb up the pole I had attached it too.

I was hoping all the way through that she wouldnt try and climb my leg like she usually does when she wants some fuss. Not only would she ruin my tights, but also my leg too! Her claws are sharp!

Counselling

I finally got a letter from my GP yesterday inviting me in for counselling, which is on Wednesday morning. Considering how long its taken to get this far, im surprised the appointment is so soon. Im meant to be working on Wednesday but im sure work wont have a problem with me attending. Now the appointment has come up though I feel a bit unsure about going.

I dont feel anywhere near as depressed as I did when I was referred. That doesnt mean im completely 100% feeling good, im not. But im the kind of person who doesnt go the doctor unless im really, really bad. The NHS is stretched enough as it is and it can do without the people who go there who can make do.

I feel like I should prepare in some way. I feel like im going in for an interview or a test rather than counselling, and I dont know why. Ive been to counselling before so I know what to expect. Maybe its their expectation, im on file now as having Gender Dysphoria but I havent felt severely Dysphoric in a while. I still have my moments but nothing to the degree I felt last year. I dont want to go there and for them to think im wasting their time.

Making Up for Lost Time

As you may have gathered from the pics dotted around the post, ive finally got my act together and dressed up for the first time in ages. I decided to get the camera out as well so there were numerous costume changes as I tried on some outfits I wanted to wear on my next night out to see how they would look. I think the wine dress on the top left is my favourite, the cowl neck and floaty skirt is definitely a more flattering shape.

I decided to get my new camera out and try the tripod id bought for it, as well as take photos remotely via my iPad and it worked a treat.

I think the problem ive been having with the dressing is there has been no purpose. When im off work, I dont dress up just to sit around the house. A lot of the time I dont even get out of my pyjamas (I know, such a slob!) so going through all the hassle of shaving and putting on tons of makeup is far more of an effort that I would usually put in on a day off. I think I need to get myself some ladies slob-wear, maybe that would help.

Motivation

Starting tomorrow im going to do some exercise, the deadline has been set. Nothing heavy, just stretching to start off for the first week or two, then im going to start doing Yoga or Pilates. My body is all stiff and I need to stretch it out a bit. Ive been saying im going to do this for months but I admit I have just been too lazy to do it. I have really bad knees which I went to physio about last year, I was given some exercises to do but never got around to doing them. Lately my knees have been getting worse so I need to do something about it.

This has always been my problem though, I lack the motivation to help myself. Whether its my knees, my teeth, going out dressed up, going out at all, or socialising with friends, I just lack motivation. I have things I want or need to do, but when I get the time off all I do is stay at home and waste my time. I dont do things unless I really have to. This is something that needs to change but its a learned behaviour now, its a difficult thing to push past.

Grinding Me Down

The past week or two has been pretty tough, and today I have been noticing things and ways of thinking that I havent done since I was off work with my depression. Replaying recent social faux-pas and embarrasments in my head and getting wound up by them, cursing to myself, difficulty finding motivation to do anything, feeling pretty miserable, etc.

There are a number of factors at play here I think....

1 - Work is really irritating me. Strangely the work itself isnt the culprit this time, its the people I have to manage. Over the past year and a half as people have left and new people have joined, I just seem to have been left with a bunch of loud, immature drama queens, and its really getting to me. They arent all this bad, but about half of them are really beginning to stress me out for one reason or another. Managing kids (well, early twenties) is not fun. I feel like a teacher or even a babysitter sometimes and ive got more important things I could be doing.

2 - Its my grandads 80th birthday in April. He moved to Peterborough long before I can even remember, and in my 31 years alive ive only met him two or three times, the last time being probably about 15 years ago, if not more. In fact its been so long I cant even remember his name. My mum is planning on her, me, my brother and our partners to all go and visit as a surprise, and is being very insistent that I go. Im finding it really difficult to bring myself to attend. The social anxiety is back in force again and im ashamed to say im looking for any excuse not to go.

3 - Ive just been to the dentist today and they told me I have to have a wisdom tooth out, and the decay is so bad that it will have to be surgically removed. This will be the third tooth ive had to have pulled out (not including the two root canals ive had done as well), so this was marvelous news. And when I told my gf over the phone she laughed at me, I assume she was expecting me to be amused at the state of my teeth. Clearly, I wasnt. In fact, ive been pretty disheartened today. I had so many plans but instead spent it lying down on the couch doing as little as possible.

Ive documented a number of times on here about my dislike for what I was born with, and the continuing decay of it is not helping.

4 - Its nearly the end of the second month of the year and I still havent got my t-life in gear. March and April are looking like they will be busy months so I really need to do something! Ive got a weekend off this weekend and my gf is away, I think I need to do something special and treat myself in some way, or something....

So Many Clothes, Nothing to Wear

The Bristol trip was cancelled at the last minute, so I was going to spend today dressing up anyway, although that didnt quite go to plan.

Ive got so many clothes at the moment, even im beginning to think ive got too much! This isnt really a problem for me, what I have a problem with is trying to find outfits that actually work. As much as I like putting on a nice frock and heels, they are best saved for nights out (as infrequent as they are) so when im dressing at home I go for a casual look. I have so many tops, vest tops, cardi's, trousers and so on but whenever I dress at home I always end up dressing up in the same few outfits. Part of the problem with this is the hair, I only really shave my body hair (which includes my chest) for special occasions because of the reactions I get and it seems most casual tops and dresses seem to like to expose this a bit. I have so many cute casual items that just leave my chest fur showing.

Today I spent ages going through my clothes trying to find a new combination for a change and I have actually found one! The only problem is its taken me so long to just find something I like that I cant be bothered to dress up further. Im dressed up, clean shaved, and ive even put a headband with a cute little bow on it on my shaved head but I think this is as far as im going to get today. The house is a mess and I cant be bothered to add to it with my makeup too. Tidying all this away is going to take ages as it is.

Maybe next week, and ill probably take some new photos too with my new camera.

Shopping

I dont really help myself by continuing to add to my collection! I went shopping yesterday by myself in town, im definitely getting a bit braver on that front. I ordered some black patent heels and a patent clutch (for a future night out maybe?) online and got them delivered to a local store in the city centre, and then went shopping for some clothes as well. I came back with a nice wine coloured drapey dress from New Look which is really flattering and goes really well with black tights and the aforementioned heels and clutch. I also bought a top which im unsure whether to keep or not, its meant to be loose but I dont think I really have the bum for it and it looks too baggy to me. Im not going to take it back straight away, ill have a think about it. I know im never going to look perfect so im just trying to decide if it looks nice enough.

I also bought some trousers as well from Vero Moda which at the moment is one of my favourite clothes shops (along with Vila, Pieces and Only who I think are part of the same company) but I think im going to have to stop going in there for a while, I think theyve figured out that im going in for myself. Its only a small store and theres a girl who ive seen in there a few times now who always asks me if I want help and gives me a knowing smile, and on my most recent visit when one of the guys rang up my trousers he smiled and said "wearing this on the weekend?". I laughed, smiled back and said: "oh no, my secret identity has been discovered, dont tell the missus!". We had a laugh about it but I think I might stick to shopping on their website for a while.

Website

I havent forgotten or given up on the website idea, ive just been having a think about how I want to approach it. I get the feeling there isnt really a template that I can use that will do all that I want it to do as far as the main feature is concerned, and its beyond my expertise. I might have to buy a base template and then pay another developer to customise it. Its going to cost me a bit so im considering my options. In the mean time ive just about finished the logo, I havent used graphic design software in years. I used to dabble a little in Adobe Illustrator, and have basically been re-teaching myself on open source software called Inkspace. Its taken me a while but im slowly getting to grips with it. Ive left the text part of it out since I dont want it to give any clues about what the site will be, but this is the general design. The black part is meant to be blurred but it isnt exporting like that for some reason. Also I might change the outlines to black to make them stand out more. Ive got a couple of different variations on the logo and I keep adding more.

Stupid Compromises

Next week on Friday me and my gf are going to Bristol for the day, with the aim of meeting some friends when they finish work for some food and a catch up. The day before this I have also been invited to go to Gloscats (a T social night, also in Bristol) with a friend as well. When I told my gf about this and asked if she would have any problems with me going, she said that she was fine with it but she didnt want me to remove my arm hair or do my eyebrows in case our friends the following night notice.

This kind of threw me a bit. She has never mentioned anything about having a problem with me removing my arm hair before as long as I dont do it all the time, and I certainly dont go mad on my eyebrows either. And truth be told the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed with her.

I get fed up of compromising. I know its all part of being in a relationship and she didnt ask for this and blah blah blah. I have no intention of outing myself to people, especially by doing things to myself that cant be explained away. Fuck it, if I want to shave my body and someone asks why I do it, the simple answer is I feel cleaner, I like it, im 31 years old and I do what I want. If someone wants to ask why I pluck my eyebrows, again, im 31 years old, and if I dont groom them I look like an old wizard! Which I hate!

I dont set any rules to how she presents herself, how is it fair that she can to me. Its the age old expectation that im a man so I can only groom certain things otherwise its just not 'manly', just like society expects I have to like sports, cars, etc just because ive got a dick.

Ive gone into shutdown mode, im not talking to her about it and im just moping around the house. I almost cant believe how wound up ive gotten over this. Of course I havent done the adult thing and actually talked about this with her. Ive just been miserable for two days now, to the point I have wasted yet another day off work that could have been spent dressing up.

I cant believe how lucky I am to have someone in my life who I love more than anything, and has been reasonably accepting of this side of me too. At the same time, sometimes I cant help but think this would be far easier without her. And I hate myself for thinking this.

Sleep

It seems I dont like sleeping anymore, even when exhausted I just dont want to go to bed. And when I do have to get up for work im finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower. I almost called in sick the other day rather than face going to work, and ive been consistently late.

Clearly im not in a right place at the moment once again.

Counselling

I dropped off my counselling referral letter at my GPs office today, ive been waiting about 6 months so far and now have to wait another 3. Im expecting to get another letter in 3 months saying ive got to wait again.

So im trying to stick to the positives. Im going out next week, this is good and should be seen as a good thing. What shall I wear that covers what I need to? What the hell am I going to do about my eyebrows?

Counselling Referral

Its been 6 months since I told my GP about what I was going through at the time, and when she referred me to counselling she said the waiting list would be about 6 months. After a few months I hadnt heard anything and thought that they must have lost the letter I returned or they forgot about me. However this week a letter arrived from my GP saying I was still on the list, asking if I still needed the counselling, and if that was the case then to return the letter but that the wait would be about another 3 months!

Im in two minds really. I know im in a far better place than I was 6 months ago with regards to how I feel about my gender, but im not perfect. There is still an underlying sadness but it isnt as in my face as it was before, its definitely bearable. But how do I know im not going to go back 'there' in future?

I suppose im more frustrated at life than I am with my gender at the moment. Im still yet to start a lot of my new years resolutions, the ones I have started have crashed and burned very quickly.

Im planning on (hopefully) going to London at some point soon for a t-girls weekend, theres still details to iron out but it could be a lot of fun. However the girls I am planning it with live on the other side of the country to me, and while the occasional trip with them would be brilliant, I need something more regular and local-ish too to give me some regular girl time.

I sound like a broken record, skipping over the same frustrations time and time again. I know im the only one that can do something about it but I just havent had time to sit down and properly plan.

Dressing Up, Boobs and Shaky Hands

Ive been off for a week with absolutely no real life plans whatsoever, and im back in work on Saturday (boo!). In this time I could have done a lot of things, I could have even ticked a few new years resolutions off the list but I havent even bothered. What I have noticed is a change in my sleeping habits, not wanting to sleep at night and then having difficulty sleeping when I do eventually go to bed, and also sleeping in the day or at least feeling so lethargic I cant bring myself to do anything. I think this is just me still in my lazy pattern. When im back in work this will change, well, it will have to or im going to get tired out very quickly!

Yesterday I set myself the goal of dressing up today because my week off is nearly over and I wont get a chance to otherwise, and I did it. It took me a while to get motivated but I got around to it eventually and was fully dressed by about mid afternoon. I still have so many problems with eye makeup its getting quite annoying now (and I jabbed myself in the eye with mascara today, ouch!). Ive watched numerous YouTube tutorials and read so many resources but I just cant get it took look right at all. I dont know if its technique, rubbish brushes, the wrong colours, the makeup itself, something else or a combination of all of the above. I think I might spend some time just practicing around the eyes a few times a week, I just cant get eyeshadow to look like anything more than looking like ive been punched in the face.

Dressing up today didnt have its usual effect. I found myself doing my usual and just looking at and inspecting myself in the mirror for ages but I didnt feel happier, calmer or any of the usual effects. To be honest it just felt like I was going through the motions for the sake of it. I got my camera out and tried to take some photos since my last batch turned out terribly and again just arent happy with a lot of them. Shaky hands for most of the selfies, and when I was playing back the videos I just looked so awkward that I was only happy with few screenshots. The poor lighting didnt help the image quality of the video either. In the end I was only dressed for a few hours before my gf was on her way home from work and I decided to peel it all off before she got back.

I just dont get it, my T side plays on my mind almost constantly but I get a moment to dress (well ive had a week) and I just cant get into it. I know I cant force it but it just feels like im letting myself down.

So what else have I been thinking about this week... Boobs. Apart from the fact that I long to grow my own and regularly day dream about it, I have been shopping around for an upgrade of my breast forms to a pair of silicone forms but there is so much choice. At one stage I was seriously considering the RealBreast Cleavage forms but its a lot of money to pay for something im probably only going to use a few times a year. If I was a serious week in week out t-girl (I wish) then I might have considered it. Otherwise, im stuck and I dont know what to get. Im unsure on what shape to get between triangle and assymetrical, and im also unsure about what brand to get. Amolux? Breastform Store Gold Seal? Something else? They can be quite expensive and I dont want to pay that much money for something that could be poor quality. There just arent that many independent reviews (that I can find) to make an informed decision, its quite annoying.

Ive also been thinking about laser beard removal. Im not sure if my gfs permission to get it done back in 2012 still stands, I might have to double check but as long as she gives the go ahead I think I might go for it. Im fed up of my beard, even as a bloke it just makes me look like a tramp and im fed up of the state it leaves my face in after shaving.

Tomorrow im going to go into town to return some girl clothes that dont fit right, maybe buy some more girl clothes, maybe buy some new eye makeup, and probably buy a new camera too. My camera is quite old now and is getting quite irritating, especially when I want to take some selfies of myself all dressed up. If I take photos then so many have to be binned because of shaky hands, or if I try to record a video the quality drops dramtically and the pictures look a lot darker. The camera ive been looking at has really good image stabilisation, records video at 1080p 60fps, and even lets me control and take photos remotely via an app on a smartphone or tablet. So, in theory it should make taking photos massively easier. There are some downsides with the camera but I might just have to deal with them to be honest.

Another New Year

I hope you all enjoyed your New Years festivities, and that your 2013 went well and your 2014 goes much better!

So this is it, 2013 is now over. It feels like every year is passing a lot faster than the last and I get the impression things time is only going to accelerate with each year that passes. Ive just been over the new years resolutions I made last year and also thinking about the things I wanted to change about my real life as well and while there have been a few definite high points these are very rare in what has been another slow and low year with no real sustained movement in my trans-life. Some of this can be blamed on work, with my horrible shift pattern getting in the way of having social time, but the rest can be blamed on me being apathetic or miserable at my state of affairs. My enthusiasm for life just seemed to tail off pretty quickly as the year progressed. However, towards the end of this year I seem to have started to find my mojo again so heres hoping 2014 will be different.

Out of the 12 trans-resolutions I made last new year, I only managed to do 3 and even then not fully:

• Get body waxed (well, I got my chest and arms waxed)
• Get a new wig
• Go on a long weekend away to spend totally as Aimee (I went to Sparkle, but I didnt get to spend the whole weekend 24 hours a day dressed up)

And to be honest, compared to some of the others these seemed like the easiest to do. So this year once again I want to make resolutions, and will be using what I didnt complete last year as a starting point:
 

• Start and maintain an exercise regime to keep fit without adding bulk. Start with things I can do at home after work like some simple stretching to increase flexibility, then go onto something like Yoga or Pilates, before maybe going onto something like jogging 3 times a week
• Look at my diet and try to eat a little healthier. Cut out chocolate and look for things to snack on that arent full of sugar or salt. Im fussy so this wont be easy
• Work on feminine mannerisms and movement somehow
• Start and maintain a proper face routine, need to improve facial skin quality
• Regularly shave my face (around every 2-3 days), do it after work if I find mornings too tight
• Look into permanent (well, semi permanent) beard removal
• Regularly keep my body hair in check
• Get eyebrows tidied professionally and maintain
• Get a new wig (yes I want another one, maybe a bit shorter this time)
• Expand my social circle and meet people face to face more regularly
• Go to a spa day
• Go to Boots and have a chat with them about their hair retention program, with the aim of growing my hair out
• Get a manicure and possibly a pedicure
• Go out at least bi-monthly, whether its to a T friendly bar or a daytrip somewhere, even if I have to go alone
• Go on a long weekend away to spend dressed up 24 hours a day
• Go clubbing as Aimee, and by clubbing I mean to a 'straight' night, not a T or Gay venue
• Post on this blog once every week

So, not a small list by any means. :)

As I made note of last year, the lifestyle changes are the ones im going to find more difficult to take on board, and I proved it too! Im hoping by being more specific in what I want to do, and the times to do it I can make them more realistic and in turn, more likely for me to complete. I had a lot of real life distractions last year that got in the way, im determined that this year is going to be a fresh start for me. I want to get to a point where by the end of this year im happy (well as happy as I can be) with my female presentation, but im not going to get there without putting in some work. And im hoping that some of these changes will also positively impact my real life too.